Episode 157: The Seed of Divinity in Me with Marley Orton (CW: mention of suicidal ideation)

Meagan: Welcome to Beyond the Shadow of Doubt. I’m your host, Meagan Skidmore. Today I have Marley Orton with me. We first connected over a year ago, and I’ve admired your spirit and story ever since. Thank you for joining and for your willingness to share something so meaningful.

Marley: Thank you for asking. It took me some time to feel ready, but I appreciate the open invitation.

Meagan: This podcast exists to normalize faith journeys—especially when they look very different from what we or our loved ones expect. Sharing stories helps create community in places where the journey often feels solitary. Marley, would you start by sharing a bit about yourself—your background, family, and faith of origin?

Marley: I’m one of seven children. I was born in Mississippi, where my dad was from, and my mom was from California. They met at BYU. Early in life my dad’s job transfers meant we moved often until settling in Utah when I was in second grade. I stayed in Utah while my parents later moved back South. Other than some years in Alabama and my mission, I’ve lived in Utah most of my life. I grew up in an Orthodox LDS family. Three of my four grandparents were converts, and their conversion stories deeply shaped me. For example, my grandmother’s parents disowned her when she was baptized. Eventually they reconciled, but that sacrifice and hardship gave me a strong loyalty to the church. I felt I needed to honor their sacrifices by remaining faithful. I served a mission in the Dominican Republic, which was challenging but transformative. I loved the people, and I still keep in touch with some friends from there today.

Meagan: That background is rich. You mentioned your grandparents’ sacrifices gave you a sense of duty to honor their faith. How has that shaped your journey?

Marley: For years it influenced me to remain fully orthodox. I truly believed the LDS Church was the only true church. My grandparents’ sacrifices confirmed its value. With time I reframed that—not as breaking tradition but expanding upon what they gave me. Their faith was foundational, and my journey builds upon it.

Meagan: I’d love to hear about the pivots—the wrestles—that moved your journey forward.

Marley: I’ve had several. The first major one was a sacred but troubling experience when my kids were young. I felt impressed that my mission in this life was short, and that I had only about two years left. For six months I felt Jesus right beside me—I could ask questions and receive answers instantly. I came to accept I was preparing to leave. But when two years passed and I was still here, my faith was shaken. I wondered if I could trust any spiritual experiences. Later, my oldest son was diagnosed with incurable sarcoma. Years of chemo and surgeries followed. That, coupled with other trials, became a “Job” period for me. I wrestled with why righteous desires weren’t answered. One night I broke down—angry, sobbing, yelling at God. In that moment, I felt wrapped in divine love. That experience didn’t give me answers, but it gave me trust. I didn’t know why, but I knew I was loved.

Later, my middle child came out. At first pansexual, then lesbian, and eventually non‑binary. God had been preparing me—I’d felt impressions years before. So I was able to respond with love, compassion, and acceptance. That was another faith crisis, but also a blessing.

Meagan: Thank you for sharing that tender part of your journey. What was it like to navigate that in the church community?

Marley: Hard. In 2013, I didn’t know any other LDS parents with queer kids. At a stake conference, the president spoke against same‑sex marriage. My child sobbed afterward, convinced God hated them because His chosen servant spoke against them. That dissonance was painful. I loved my child deeply, but I also loved the church and had leadership callings. I wrestled with the gap between what I heard at church and what I heard in prayer—answers to simply love my child. That dissonance caused scrupulosity, a form of religious OCD. I obsessed over obedience—scripture study, fasting, temple attendance—believing my child’s life depended on it. I see now how unhealthy that was, but at the time, I felt desperate.

Meagan: Thank you for naming scrupulosity. Many quietly suffer from it. How did questions and doubts reshape your faith?

Marley: Reading The Sin of Certainty by Peter Enns changed me. He wrote that the opposite of faith isn’t doubt, it’s certainty. Certainty closes us off to God. My kids broke my heart open and made room for God to teach me. Checkbox gospel living has a place, but it doesn’t transform. Faith does. Faith is uncertainty. Prayer journaling has also been powerful. Sometimes I doubt whether impressions are me or God, but I realized God is within me. Divinity is already inside. Trusting that inner voice has reshaped my discipleship.

Meagan: Beautiful. What challenges remain in living your faith journey?

Marley: Safety in sharing is a big one. With close loved ones I share openly. In my local ward, I’m cautious. I want belonging, not just fitting in, but it can feel isolating. The hardest pain point is hearing leaders teach that our family’s life is wrong, while knowing my revelation tells me otherwise. It hurts when others see conflict where I don’t.

Meagan: If you could leave listeners with one message?

Marley: Hold to Christ—not to a “what,” but to a “who.” Every person has a unique path. Our iron rod is Christ, and He walks with us on our individual journey. No two are alike. Doubt isn’t something to fear—it’s a blessing. Walk into the shadow, and it becomes light.

Meagan: That’s beautiful. Final quick questions—favorite book?

Marley: Anything by Fiona and Terryl Givens, especially All Things New. Also Adam Miller’s Original Grace.

Meagan: Introvert or extrovert?

Marley: Ambivert—I recharge both ways.

Meagan: Favorite artist?

Marley: Recently, J. Kirk Richards.

Meagan: Night owl or morning lark?

Marley: Used to be a night owl, now a morning person.

Meagan: Celebrity crush?

Marley: In the Pirates era, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow.

Meagan: Sparkling water or soda?

Marley: Mostly still water, soda occasionally.

Meagan: Farthest you’ve traveled?

Marley: Thailand.

Meagan: Thank you, Marley, for bravely sharing your story and heart. These conversations create the space so many need. I’m deeply grateful.

Marley: Thank you for the opportunity. Sharing helps create change, one story at a time.