Episode 71: Our kids will NOT be forgotten with Raffaella Palmisano

Ray, a parent of two LGBTQ+ children, shares her deeply personal journey of faith, motherhood, and acceptance. Originally from southern Italy, Ray was raised Catholic and later converted to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She served a mission, attended BYU, and raised her children in the church — envisioning a future where they, too, would serve as missionaries.

But life took a different turn. Her oldest child, Maya, came out as transgender, and her youngest son came out as bisexual. Both also have special needs — one is on the autism spectrum and the other has bipolar disorder. Ray describes them as brilliant, independent, and full of light, but her journey as a single parent navigating faith, culture, and identity has been anything but simple.

Ray shares how her family’s story has unfolded across three countries — Italy, England, and the United States. In Italy, conversations around LGBTQ+ topics were still considered taboo, especially among older generations. When her daughter came out as transgender while the family was living in England, Ray faced not only emotional and spiritual challenges but also a complicated healthcare system.

She explains how, in the U.K., her daughter’s diagnosis of gender dysphoria required psychological evaluations and years-long waiting lists for public treatment. Because her daughter was suicidal, Ray sought private psychiatric care to expedite hormone therapy (HRT). She recalls driving to work each day with her car trunk emptied of anything her daughter could use for self-harm — knives, cords, pills — while coordinating with her daughter’s school and local emergency services to keep her safe.

It was a dark period marked by exhaustion, fear, and deep love. “We had paramedics and police at the house more than once,” she recalls. “It was chaos. But I knew I had to keep fighting for her.”

Throughout it all, Ray continued to work full-time while struggling with her own anxiety and health issues. She underwent multiple surgeries during those years and described feeling as though she was barely holding everything together.

When asked about her faith during that time, Ray explained how she was baptized into the LDS Church as a young woman after first meeting with missionaries at age seven. Her father worked for the Catholic Church and initially refused to let her convert, but eventually allowed it after she completed her Catholic sacraments.

She grew up active in her new faith, served a mission, and later married in the temple. “I raised my kids with bread and scriptures,” she says, describing how faith was a daily part of their home life. When her children reached baptismal age, she gave them the freedom to choose for themselves — both chose to join the church.

Her daughter’s coming out was met with mixed reactions from church members. In England, Ray found compassion and understanding from a bishop who was a convert himself and had LGBTQ+ relatives. He became a trusted support, even welcoming Maya to attend church in feminine clothing. “He opened the door for her, always,” Ray remembers. “He made her feel safe.”

But not all experiences were positive. When Maya later moved to the U.S. for school, she encountered rejection and even humiliation within her faith community. Her bishop’s first question to her was about whether she had “had surgery,” leaving both mother and daughter shocked. Ray’s previous bishop in England called the U.S. bishop’s letter “offensive” and refused to show it to her out of concern for her well-being.

Ray notes that in England, bishops had been given training on LGBTQ+ issues led by gay members who shared their lived experiences — something not yet widespread in other regions. The lack of such training, she believes, contributed to much of the confusion and harm.

After moving to Utah to support her daughter, Ray witnessed further discrimination. When Maya tried to live in student housing with male roommates, she was ostracized, given no storage space, and forbidden from sitting on the couch. “I walked into that apartment and it was awful,” Ray says. “I cried inside. My daughter had always lived in clean, welcoming places. Now she was treated like she didn’t belong.”

Eventually, Maya came home to live with Ray again before later moving in with her boyfriend.

Despite everything, Ray’s faith has deepened. She describes studying scientific journals about gender dysphoria and genetics, seeking both spiritual and intellectual understanding. “I learned that this isn’t a choice,” she says. “It can develop even before birth. Once I understood that, compassion came naturally.”

She now sees her role as a mother and believer as one of unconditional love and advocacy. “Our LGBTQ+ kids are still part of God’s plan of salvation,” she says. “They are sealed to us. They are not forgotten.”

Ray believes that while the church is still learning and receiving ongoing revelation, parents can and must act with love in the meantime. “We all have agency,” she says. “Our job as parents is to keep the door open — always. Never stop communicating. Never shut them out.”

She recalls how her daughter feared being rejected when she began cohabiting with her boyfriend. “She thought I wouldn’t approve,” Ray says. “But I still message her all the time — ‘You’re always welcome home. You’re always loved.’ They need to know they have a safe place.”

Ray also believes the church itself must become a safe place. She and her family recently volunteered at the Salt Lake City Pride event. She wrote “LDS ♥” on her cheek to show that it’s possible to be both a believer and an ally. “So many kids were crying,” she remembers. “They just wanted hugs. I wanted them to see that there are members who love and support them exactly as they are.”

She hopes that one day the Church will have a booth at Pride. “Every other faith was there — even the satanic church,” she laughs softly. “We need to be there too. People need to know that members of our church can also be allies.”

Her advice for other parents and members of conservative faiths is simple but powerful: “Keep loving them. Even if you think it’s just a phase. Even if you don’t understand. You have to be their safe place. Because when life gets hard — and it will — they need to know where to turn. Better to come home to you than turn to addiction or despair.”

She reminds listeners that LGBTQ+ individuals deserve the same dignity and compassion as anyone else. “We’re so compassionate toward people with disabilities,” she says. “But why not toward LGBTQ+ people too? They’re also facing trials of faith — just a different kind.”

When asked what it means to her to live “beyond the shadow of doubt,” Ray smiles. “It means peace,” she says. “I don’t have the anxiety I had five years ago. My faith has grown stronger. I know Jesus Christ loves me and my children exactly as we are. We’re all on different paths, but we’re moving toward becoming better versions of ourselves. That gives me hope.”

Ray ends the episode with a few lighthearted reflections: her favorite author is the Sicilian mystery writer Andrea Camilleri, she loves Impressionist art, considers herself both introvert and extrovert, and dreams of visiting Japan someday.

“Thank you for having me,” she says warmly. “It’s been a pleasure to share my story.”