Episode 196: Why We Don’t Speak Up

If you were to guess the number one reason that folks tend not to speak up, what would your
answer be? Stick around as I share with you some of my findings, because you might actually
be surprised. I’m Megan Skidmore. For two and a half years, I have been talking about evolving
faith journeys.
I started to tire of the heaviness of this focus. I had the clear message come through, it is time
for Beyond the Shadow of Doubt podcast to evolve into living Beyond the Shadow of Doubt
podcast. With the same vulnerability and unapologetic authenticity, I will be focusing on the joy
in this journey, the life and the living that comes on the other side of maybe, on the other side
of what’s possible.
I want to talk about claiming spiritual sovereignty and becoming your own captain of your
vessel. Let’s celebrate releasing what no longer aligns for you and connecting with your higher
power and honor expanding your energy field to make room for all things new. Mark your
calendars and set your reminder for this Friday, April 11.
I am hosting a bonus First Fridays free coaching. Normally I hold it on the first Friday of the
month, but because I was at the free mom hugs conference last weekend, I decided to bump it
to this coming Friday instead. So not only is this a great starting point to introduce you to my
work, you can come and experience what it’s like to be coached or watch someone else be
coached.
In this Friday’s bonus session, I’m especially excited to share some of what I’m learning in
emotional alchemy certification that I am in with master coach Sarah Trapkis. We’ll talk a bit
more about what I’ve addressed in today’s episode and perhaps even unearth some of the
hindrances or things getting in the way of you speaking up. Use the link in the bio to register in
order to get the unique zoom link.
They change each month for privacy reasons. See you soon. Today starts the first episode in a
series of three or four.
I haven’t decided yet, but it’s going to be a series where I talk about the reasons why we do or
do not speak up, the cost of staying silent, the joy of using our voices and then finally getting
loud. So I love pretty much anything and everything Brene Brown. And if you’re familiar with
her book, Dare to Lead, then maybe you’ve heard this before.
But according to Brene, when reflecting on the research she has done with many, many
corporations and institutions, she said, here is what surprised me the most. The greatest
barrier to courageous leadership is not fear. In fact, some of the bravest leaders we interviewed
told us that they experienced fear every day.

The biggest barrier to daring leadership is how we respond to our fear. It’s our armor that gets
in the way. When I first read that, I instantly, when I thought of this word armor and what
Brene means, I thought, huh, that sounds really similarly to maybe the stories in the narratives
that we have created some from many, many years prior.
And I think that is partially true. But I think also, at least to my understanding here, armor goes
a little bit deeper. She continues and says about the difference between fear and armor is we all
feel afraid, but not all of us armor up.
The most daring transformative leaders we’ve worked with acknowledge the fear and
acknowledge almost this limbic drive to put on some armor and self protect, but they stay in
the fear and work through it and work from a place of open mind, open heart, curiosity. And I’ll
leave the link in the show notes to that. It’s an amazing video.
So in some ways I was right. She says that the daring transformative leaders that they’ve
worked with acknowledge this fear and this instinct or this drive to put on some armor and self
protect, but they work through it, they stay with it. And I think for me, the question is, what is it
they are wanting to protect themselves from? What is the purpose of the armor? What is the
threat? What is the danger? What is this perceived fear? So according to Corporate Engagement
Coach and author of Overcoming Fake Talk, John Stoker, he says that the number one reason
people do not speak up is fear of the consequences.
He continues, whatever a person’s history may be, if they think that they will be punished in
some way for speaking their mind or presenting an alternate view, they will keep their thoughts
to themselves. They believe it is safer to not say anything. So while this makes sense, right? And
it actually, if you overlap what Brene is teaching and what her research shows with what Mr.
Stoker is saying about the fear of consequences, those fears that they might be punished,
there’s a story, right? There’s a narrative around the reason for the punishment that can go
back possibly to young adulthood, or their early youth, or even childhood.
So those are in general terms. To my knowledge, these authors didn’t necessarily separate out
by sex or gender. But I do think it’s an important point to consider is that there is a difference in
the comfort level for women, and even minorities, and whether they feel like they have a voice,
whether they feel comfortable speaking up.
So I did a Google search. And here’s what research says. Women’s voices are often silenced or
marginalized due to societal expectations, to gendered speech norms, and the perception that
women’s voices are less authoritative or competent than men’s.
So for instance, the gendered speech norms, girls are often socialized to be polite and quiet.
When considering this perception of authority, women are often seen as less authoritative, or
their voices are discounted or interrupted more frequently. The vocal characteristics, women’s
voices are perceived as shrill, or grating, or not authoritative enough.

This can lead them to being marginalized. There’s a fear of retaliation. Women may hesitate to
speak up because they fear being seen as aggressive or pushy, or they fear negative
consequences.
There’s also opportunity to consider. Women may not have the same opportunities as men to
express opinions, and so might be more likely to withhold information. There’s the traditional
gender roles and cultural norms that can contribute to the suppression of women’s voices.
When you about how long civilization has been around, thousands of years, and then you
consider, at least in the United States of America, it’s only been since 1920, a little over 100
years, that women have had the right to vote. I did the math, and that is after two of my four
grandparents were born. For women of color, it’s only been since 1965, so 60 years.
If you consider epigenetics, epigenetics meaning the study of heritable changes in gene
expression without alterations to the DNA sequence, I think about it in kind of like gene
memory. It’s passed down from those who came before us. If you take this into account, our
heritage, what’s in our genes, so to speak, if we come from progenitors who didn’t have a
propensity to speak up, didn’t have the tools, didn’t have the safety, the know-how, the
opportunities, then our propensity to speak up or make our opinions known versus staying
quiet can be connected to that.
An epigenetic inheritance refers to this idea that epigenetic changes can be heritable, meaning
they can be passed down to future generations. If our forebears were not inclined to speak up
and out for what they felt was morally correct or right in a public way, then chances are pretty
good that they did not pass that on to their children. I’m not saying this is an absolute.
Now, couple that with societal norms about who carries the bully pulpit that I just went
through, and it’s a recipe for a gag order of sorts, self-imposed or otherwise. It’s really no
wonder then that many women do not always speak up, and I will include minorities. So it
shouldn’t be surprising that it feels like maybe it takes a lot of effort to put oneself in a place to
be heard, like on the map in a literal geographic sense, but also kind of figuratively in certain
societal circles of influence.
Currently, there are myriad hot button issues getting all kinds of news and media attention. The
LGBTQ plus community seems to be getting more than their share than others. As a parent,
maybe you’re also a parent or an ally, a loved one, this can be very unsettling.
It can be downright fearful to consider sharing your thoughts, your beliefs, your heart about
your experience with your LGBTQ plus loved ones and your lived experience with your LGBTQ
plus loved ones. Now, let me preface what I’m going to say next with this. In no way would I
ever suggest anyone do or say anything that would put themselves or their loved ones in
danger.
I trust that you know your situation best. Everyone is in a different place, physically, socially,

mentally, emotionally, spiritually, et cetera, to contribute in some way to causes and issues. So
your role is and will be different from another.
I believe it is supposed to be that way. You have unique gifts and talents that someone else
can’t offer. So I would like to offer to you this idea to challenge your thinking on what it means
to speak up.
Speaking up can mean taking the mic on the steps of your state capitol during a pride
demonstration, or perhaps even more recently, a hands-off demonstration, and the pendulum
can swing all the way to sharing your honest, tender feelings one-on-one with a loved one, with
a friend, perhaps with a parent or grandparent, a teacher, a leader, or some other individual
who plays a significant role in your life, the life of your kiddo, or LGBTQ plus loved one, and so
on. I propose to you that both of these ways are speaking out. It’s not about the number of
individuals that you’re speaking to, even just starting by sitting down with a journal and a pen
and writing for your own benefit, to you, even if you’re the only one who ends up reading or
taking them in.
Your beliefs and thoughts of your heart are meaningful, even if, and especially when, they’re
messy. I think that’s what makes them beautiful. It all counts and it’s all important.
It all contributes a drop into the collective bucket of love, understanding, listening, grace, and
so forth. But most importantly, you’re beginning this path that you are witnessing to yourself
first and foremost, that these are your convictions, these are your core values, your beliefs,
your feelings, or whatever it is that you’ve written. Then perhaps the next time you may choose
to lift those words from the page to your voice and share with someone.
Each time it gets a little less daunting and cultivates self-trust and that feeling of
empowerment, your voice really does matter. You don’t have to be a college professor with a
PhD who’s written multiple books on vulnerability, shame, trust, or courage. You don’t have to
write a book and publish it.
You don’t have to stand in front of a microphone, in front of a crowd, in order to amplify your
voice. I cannot emphasize enough how much power there is to be felt in first acknowledging
you have a voice to yourself. That is where it starts.
That is a form of advocacy. That is a form of speaking up, speaking out. In my experience, that’s
often the first step.
So make sure to hit that follow button and catch the upcoming episode on this topic that will be
interspersed between my upcoming guests. Thank you so much for joining me today. Love and
light to each of you.
Writer, teacher, author, Mormon scholar, and founder of Dialogue Journal, Eugene England
said, My faith encourages my curiosity and awe. It thrusts me out into relationship with all
creation and encourages me to enter into dialogue. As a proud member of the Dialogue

Podcast Network, my hope is that living beyond the shadow of doubt podcast is an extension of
that vision.
Visit meagansgidmorecoaching.com to find this podcast and additional free resources,
including the link for a complimentary coaching session. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram
for more, or to send me a DM. Help the podcast grow.
Please follow, review, and share with a friend.