Episode 160: Living In the Light with Erryn Stamp [CW: mention of suicide, transphobia, sexual & spiritual abuse]

Meagan Skidmore:
Welcome to Beyond the Shadow of Doubt. Welcome to today’s episode. I have my friend Erryn Stamp with me, and I’m so thrilled that Erryn is joining me. We met virtually earlier this year, but we’ve actually become friends in real life as well. Welcome, Erryn.

Erryn Stamp:
Thank you.

Meagan:
I’ll give you a chance to introduce yourself.

Erryn:
I’m a trans woman, active in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years; we’ve known each other a little over 13 years. I have four kids—my oldest from a previous marriage. I was born in Austin, Texas, but have lived all over. I came out as transgender in spring 2021 and socially transitioned a couple of years ago. It’s hard to keep track now—long enough that everyone knows.

I’ve worked in IT most of my adult life. That wasn’t my intention—it was supposed to be a hobby—but I fell into it. Once you’ve been doing it for 20 years, that’s just where you land.

Meagan:
That’s a long time, and you’re good at what you do.

I wanted to have you on, Erryn, because you bring such a unique perspective to the discussion of faith journeys. I want to normalize how unique these journeys are. I don’t know anyone who’s had a journey quite like yours. There may be similarities, but nobody’s journey is the same.

I want you to feel comfortable sharing the highs, lows, pain points, and also the joys that come when you surrender to your inner wisdom, your inner voice—what you’ve known for however long. These can be painful journeys, but what motivates them is the hope and the joy on the other side. I believe it exists, and I want to celebrate that.

So—you mentioned you grew up in the LDS church.

Erryn:
Yes. My mom was a convert at 17, and my dad grew up in the church.

Meagan:
You came out just a few years ago, but of course that means you shared outwardly what you’d felt inside much longer.

Erryn:
Yes. As a child, I often wished I were a girl, though I didn’t have the vocabulary for it. Around 12 it became more real. Before that it was more social—wanting to play with the girls, be one of them. But at 12, I began experiencing discomfort with my body.

I’d dream that I was a girl, then wake up and feel crushed being in the wrong body. I also realized other people could recognize themselves in the mirror, and I couldn’t. I had to tell myself, “That’s me.” It was very uncomfortable. I didn’t realize others didn’t experience that. I got depressed.

At the same time, I began having crushes on boys. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I internalized the belief that if people knew, they couldn’t love me. By 13, my coping mechanism was fantasizing about suicide.

Meagan:
That’s a lot to carry at such a young age.

Erryn:
I didn’t tell anyone the real reasons until much later. School was hard; I dropped out senior year. Thankfully a mentor helped me—he had me teach computer repair to college students, then paid for me to test out of courses so I could graduate.

Meagan:
From 12 to 17 you went through so much. How was it spiritually in the LDS church?

Erryn:
It was frustrating. My only real friend was at church, but I didn’t feel I belonged. Around 16, I stopped staying the full three hours—just went to the first, then left.

I was ordained as a deacon, teacher, and priest, but I felt out of place. What stands out is being ridiculed—by peers or my father—for not appearing masculine enough. Church was sometimes safer than home or school, but it was inconsistent.

My dad was physically and emotionally abusive. He used derogatory names for me. After my parents divorced, I felt safer not attending as much.

Meagan:
After high school, did you follow the traditional LDS path of mission and temple?

Erryn:
No. I joined the Navy at 18. Due to undiagnosed genetic issues, I fractured multiple bones in boot camp and was discharged. I did get ordained an elder later, after marrying my first wife.

She joined the church, I baptized her, and then we were sealed in the temple a year later.

Meagan:
For those unfamiliar, sealing in the temple is more than marriage—it’s a covenant for eternity.

Erryn:
Yes. But ours wasn’t the traditional path. She struggled with fidelity, and she also complained I wasn’t masculine enough. That marriage ended. Later I met my current wife online. We married, and she’s been wonderfully supportive.

Meagan:
Through all this—youth, marriage, divorce, remarriage—how would you describe your relationship with the church, and separately with God?

Erryn:
They’ve often been different. My relationship with God has remained strong, even when my relationship with the church was strained.

During my first divorce, I nearly took my life, but I had profound spiritual experiences that carried me. Without the Spirit, I wouldn’t be alive.

Later, stigma around divorce made church attendance hard. People asked, “Where’s your wife?” It was easier to stop going. When I did go, it was often more for my child’s sake than for me.

Meagan:
In August 2024, the LDS church updated its handbook policies regarding transgender members. How did that affect you?

Erryn:
I wasn’t surprised, but I was frustrated. Before the change, I taught a special-needs Primary class with my wife and our kids. After the change, I was released.

The policy states that anyone taking steps to transition can’t hold callings with children or youth. I’ve also been told not to teach or speak in sacrament meeting. Leaders told me it might appear the church condones transition.

I argued that if youth see me participating, they’ll be more likely to stay. If they see me marginalized, they’ll be more likely to leave. But the church often frames things in strict black-and-white terms.

Meagan:
Transitioning is by definition not black-and-white. It can be social—like clothing—or medical—like hormones or surgery. Casting it in rigid terms is a disservice.

Erryn:
Exactly. And the rhetoric is often fear-based. I share my story because I want people to understand the mental health impact. For example, before transition I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. After nine months on estrogen, I looked in the mirror one night and finally saw myself. That recognition is profound.

Depersonalization at that level leads to suicide. Asking someone to just go back is unbearable.

Meagan:
It’s about other people’s comfort, but it’s emotionally immature to expect someone to change who they are so others don’t feel uncomfortable. Gender-affirming care is tied to mental, emotional, and spiritual health. And really, gender-affirming care exists everywhere—plastic surgery, hair transplants, hormone therapy for cisgender people—it’s just more socially acceptable.

Erryn:
Exactly. Elon Musk had hair transplants and takes testosterone, but speaks against gender-affirming care. That irony always stands out.

Meagan:
So what has transition done for you? What joy have you found?

Erryn:
It’s been life-changing. Growing up, I internalized so much shame. Even when something felt good, I’d deny it. My wife once encouraged me to paint my nails—just something small. I chose purple, and when I looked down at my hands, it was the first time I felt gender euphoria.

It sounds small, but it broke through years of denial. That joy motivated me to keep stepping into authenticity.

Transition is like living in a cave your whole life, thinking darkness is normal. Then you find an opening to the outside world. It’s bright, overwhelming, even scary, so you go back inside. But each time you step out, you want to stay longer. Eventually you choose to live in the light.

Meagan:
That’s powerful.

Erryn:
Yes. It hasn’t been easy—I’ve lost family relationships and some friends. But it’s been worth it. Even when I struggle now, I’m happier than I was before.

Little things bring joy—receiving mail in my real name, getting my first passport. Being recognized as me is joyful.

Meagan:
That’s beautiful. To close: what does living beyond the shadow of doubt mean to you?

Erryn:
It means letting go of imagined fears. We’re told there are monsters beyond the wall, so we stay behind it. But when you step beyond, you realize there aren’t monsters—just freedom. It’s stepping out of false surety into authenticity.

Meagan:
Thank you so much, Erryn. Before we end, a few fun quick questions. Favorite book?

Erryn:
Citizen of the Galaxy by Robert Heinlein.

Meagan:
Introvert or extrovert?

Erryn:
Introvert, but I crave being social sometimes.

Meagan:
Night owl or morning lark?

Erryn:
Night owl—though my wife is even more so.

Meagan:
Favorite artist?

Erryn:
Honestly, my 16-year-old. They’re extremely talented.

Meagan:
Celebrity crush?

Erryn:
David Tennant.

Meagan:
Still or carbonated water—or diet soda?

Erryn:
I’m addicted to caffeine and carbonation—Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, energy drinks. I love the texture of carbonation.

Meagan:
Furthest place you’ve traveled?

Erryn:
Hawaii—I lived there for two and a half years.

Meagan:
Wonderful. If listeners want to connect with you, what’s the best way?

Erryn:
Facebook. I’m elsewhere, but I mostly keep up there.

Meagan:
Perfect—I’ll include the link in the show notes. Erryn, thank you for being brave and opening your heart so we can understand better and love better.

Erryn:
Thank you.