Episode 151: Cultivating Emotional Intelligence

Meagan Skidmore (she/her): Welcome, everyone, to today’s episode.
This week is Transgender Awareness Week. And last week in the United States was our major election—our presidential election. So I thought this would be good timing to share today’s subject.

Before I do, I’ll add that I’m finishing up the final draft of the book I’m publishing with Joan of Arc Publishing. These concepts—this topic—are very top of mind for me right now, and I want to speak to a few things.

The trans experience is more universal than we realize. Let me explain what I mean by that. Everybody has something they experience that, even though they try as hard as they may to describe, explain, or share it with others, they aren’t necessarily going to be completely understood. They might find that some folks relate a little, but there’s not going to be a 100% full understanding of what that person is describing or sharing. And that’s just part of being human.

But I want to say that this doesn’t invalidate that person’s experience. I hope you’ll entertain that thought with me as we go through this short podcast today.

There are a lot of experiences going on right now—many different journeys—and emotions are surfacing for many across the United States of America. I’ve even seen posts on social media from those in other countries speaking to and addressing these emotions, sometimes in solidarity.

Here’s the thing to remember about emotions: the way I choose to view them is that they’re not necessarily good or bad. I’ve found it’s more significant and helpful to focus on how we feel them—do we allow ourselves to feel them?—and on the words we say or don’t say, and the actions we take or don’t take from those emotions.

Emotions can bring joy and elation, or on the opposite end of the spectrum, very real pain. Physical pain and emotional pain can often accompany one another.

All of this becomes problematic when a person is not taught to feel, metabolize, or transform the energy that comes from these emotions—and perhaps the accompanying physical and/or emotional pain—in healthy, productive, meaningful ways. I’ll say that one more time: it’s only problematic when we’re not taught to feel, metabolize, and transform this energy coming from our emotions in healthy, meaningful, and productive ways.

Processing emotions in healthy, meaningful, productive ways can take many forms; it’s very person-specific.

In 2023, the Surgeon General of the United States released a booklet called Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. Dr. Vivek H. Murthy—the 19th and the 21st Surgeon General of the United States—shares that extensive scientific findings from a variety of disciplines, including epidemiology, neuroscience, medicine, psychology, and sociology, converge on the same conclusion: social connection is a significant predictor of longevity and better physical, cognitive, and mental health, while social isolation and loneliness are significant predictors of premature death and poor health. He also says the benefits of social connection extend beyond health-related outcomes; they influence an individual’s educational attainment, workplace satisfaction, economic prosperity, and overall feelings of well-being and life fulfillment. End quote.

In this booklet, he recommends six pillars to advance social connection. I’m going to focus on the sixth: cultivate a culture of connection.

There are three key concepts to cultivating a culture of connection:

1. Cultivate values of kindness, respect, service, and commitment to one another.

2. Model connection values in positions of leadership and influence.

3. Expand conversations on social connection in schools, workplaces, and communities.

This is me trying to expand this conversation.

How does this relate to what I’ve already mentioned about emotions? Taking adequate responsibility for our own emotions—and the words and behaviors that we speak or take from these emotions—can contribute to cultivating a culture of connection… or the reverse, depending on those behaviors and words.

I believe it is essential to remember that the culture we create is on an individual basis. It’s created by the one—one by one—by you and by me. The individual is the only one who can take true responsibility for self.

So I want to offer you a few tools to help you cultivate emotional intelligence that, in turn, helps lead to and cultivate a culture of connection.

First, Viktor Frankl once said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” End quote.

When emotions are high, rational and critical thinking are low. When emotions are high, it’s more likely that one might respond in a way that could hurt self, friends, loved ones, or others. Additionally, it may lead to inaccurate conclusions—or conclusions that are not fully informed.

So my first invitation to you is: start noticing the space between the stimulus—whatever happens, words spoken, news you hear, a specific outcome you learn—and your response. That’s the space where you are available to respond.

Second, I want to offer you a tool called REST. This is what you can do in the space between stimulus and response. This comes from the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook.

REST stands for: Relax, Evaluate, Set an intention, and Take action.

R — Relax.
First, stop what you’re doing—freeze, take a breath, pause. Step away from the situation. Get a different perspective. Don’t act impulsively. Remind yourself that you have an opportunity to behave or speak differently. In other words, create some space between your desire to act impulsively and your actual response. A few slow, deep breaths can begin this process of slowing down, pausing, resting, and calming.

E — Evaluate.
Ask yourself what’s happening in the situation. What are the facts? Important reminder: thoughts and emotions are not facts. Because we feel them so strongly, our feelings can feel factual—but they are still feelings. Our thoughts can feel factual too, but it’s important to separate story from fact. To determine the facts, do a quick evaluation. Facts are things like: “The temperature is 75 degrees today.” “The traffic light is red right now.” “My sister had a baby yesterday.” “My niece got married last weekend.” Separate story from fact. You don’t have to solve anything or do an in-depth analysis. Just observe what’s happening for you physically, emotionally, and mentally. Observe what people around you are doing. Ask yourself simple questions: How do I feel? What’s happening? Is anyone in danger?

S — Set an intention.
The third step is to set an intention to do something. An intention is a target, a goal, or a plan. Decide what action you’re going to take. There’s no rush—an hour could go by, a few days, even a week. There’s no deadline on this step. Ask yourself what you need. Do you need to do something for yourself? Choose a coping or self-soothing skill. (If you email me, I’ll happily send you a list.) Whatever you choose to do isn’t your final or best solution; its purpose is to help you cope healthily.

Distress tolerance and resiliency are skills you build to help you cope better with painful events and grow your tolerance for them. Mindfulness-focused skills help you return to the present moment rather than dwell in the pain of the past. That’s not to ignore or negate the past—trauma is a real, lived experience for many—but learn what to do when you find yourself living from that place rather than in the present.

Emotional regulation skills are important here: learn to metabolize and feel your feelings so you learn from them versus react from them. And finally, interpersonal skills: learn to speak your mind, share your beliefs, and vocalize your needs from a confident, peaceful, centered space. The flip side is creating healthy boundaries when necessary to protect your mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical energy.

T — Take action.
Put your plan into motion. Proceed mindfully. Move slowly—no rush, no deadline— with awareness. As you do this, the actions you take may not be the ultimate solution to the problem, but they are more likely to be a healthier, more productive, and effective pathway forward versus reacting impulsively.

One last reminder: engaging in and implementing these skills takes practice and repetition. The more you engage your emotional and mental capacities to implement these steps, the stronger those muscles become. It’s like doing sets in a weight room—the more you do, the more physical muscle you build and the more muscle memory you gain over time. It’s the same with building your mental muscles and mental muscle memory.

Whether you use these tools at home or in any community you’re part of—professional, work, volunteer, faith, civic, and so on—you will change the trajectory of your relationships. You’ll notice a difference, and sometimes those around you notice the change in you. They notice the difference and will want to join. This is how, together, we begin to cultivate the ground to create a culture of connection.

Something as seemingly small as these steps has the potential to create something big—and pretty awesome. I hope you try it, and I want to hear about it when you do. Thanks for joining me today.