Episode 92: Setting the world on fire with Buzz Schilaty

Hey, everybody. Welcome to Beyond the Shadow of Doubt.
Today, I have a guest I couldn’t have imagined having a year ago, and that is Buzz Schilaty.

I’ve actually interviewed your son before, and it’s a privilege to get to chat with you today. I got to meet you in person just a few weeks ago at the Gather Conference, and what a treat that was — both meeting you and being there in person.

That’s when I shared with you about this podcast — how I started it because I felt like I was supposed to. I resisted those inklings, that intuition, that feeling from the Divine for a while, but once I started, I haven’t looked back. I feel so enriched and blessed by the stories I get to hear and share.

With that, I want to give you plenty of time to tell us about you — your background, your family, and your faith journey as a parent of a gay son in a conservative faith community.

I’m a young 78 years old. I’ve lived in Washington all my life except for my time in the Army and in college. I met my wife in 1970, and we were married in 1971. At the time, neither of us had any real religious affiliation.

In 1972, the missionaries knocked on our door. We joined the Church on October 14, 1972, and have been active ever since. We have four adult children — one of whom you’ve spoken with, Ben. They’re all active in the Church and hold temple recommends.

I was a high school teacher for ten years, and then I owned a real estate office, Schilaty Properties, for twenty-five years. And that brings us to today.

You still live in the Seattle area, right?

Yes. We bought this house in 1973, paid it off twenty years ago, and all our kids were brought home to this same house when they were born.

Wow — that’s really special. So you met the missionaries in the early ’70s, but you didn’t really have a faith background before that?

Right. My brother had just graduated from Stanford and moved to Salt Lake City. When my wife and I visited him, he took us on a tour of Temple Square. I signed the guest book, not realizing that would start something big.

Back then, the guest book pages were long — about a foot and a half. The missionaries literally cut out our “lead strip” and mailed it to Washington. That’s how the missionaries found us — and they baptized us.

Later, after joining the Church, I became a stake missionary and probably knocked on thirty doors following up on those “lead strip” referrals. Not a single one led to a baptism!

That’s hilarious — literal cut and paste! So, you were a teacher and a dad of four. I read Ben’s book, and my understanding is that he didn’t come out until a bit later in life — after his teenage years, right?

Yes. We had suspected Ben was gay for a long time — decades, really. So when he came out, it wasn’t a surprise. In his book, my wife and I sound like heroes because we handled it perfectly, but the truth is, we’d had time to prepare.

We talked about what we’d say if he ever came out, so we were ready. The only thing I regret is that he came out to a friend before he told us. But otherwise, I was glad we’d planned.

I also had an experience before joining the Church that shaped my views. When I served in the Army in the 1960s, some soldiers bullied gay men — pushed them down stairs or into showers — and I always stood up for them. I’d tell others, “Leave them alone. They’re not hurting anyone.”

So even before I was Christian, I was trying to act like one.

That was the 1960s?

Yes — I was in the Army from 1966 to 1969. That experience taught me a lot. Even before I had faith, I believed in fairness and kindness.

That says so much about your character — that you defended others even before you had religious motivation.

Well, my wife Jenny deserves just as much credit. She’s wonderful. I had gone to church maybe once or twice a year as a kid, but never read the Bible until the Army. When I thought I might not make it home some nights, I started reading.

When Jenny and I got married, we decided we should go to church — either Episcopalian for her or Lutheran for me. We picked Lutheran because it was closest to home. We went for about a month, but it didn’t stick. When we found the LDS Church, it was a completely different spirit, and we joined right away.

So, fast-forward: you’re married, you have four kids, and you suspected early on that Ben might be gay.

That’s right. I don’t want to share too many personal details, but we had a hunch early on. We didn’t have a problem with it. We’d seen enough as teachers to know kids go through a lot, so we decided: whatever happens, we’ll lead with love.

When our daughter was born, we said, “If she ever comes home pregnant, we’ll tell her, ‘We love you. We’ll take care of it.’” We had the same mindset with Ben. We’d seen enough of life to know — love first, figure out the rest later.

That’s beautiful. As a teacher, you must’ve seen all kinds of situations.

Absolutely. Being a teacher showed me every kind of kid and family. I learned that the most important thing you can do is just love your kids. They’re all different.

We supported each of our children in whatever they loved. Sports, music, academics — we were there for it all.

That unconditional support clearly shaped Ben. I remember from his book you and your wife told him you’d love him no matter what — even if he chose to live as a gay man in a committed relationship.

Yes. I remember telling him, “If you ever marry another man, we’ll love and support you both. You’re both welcome in our home.” We believe it’s not good for anyone to be alone.

Our next-door neighbor has been a lesbian for thirty-five years — she’s a wonderful person. Before Ben was even born, our gay neighbor used to help my dad with his car when he couldn’t anymore. I’ve had positive experiences with LGBTQ people all my life.

So for me, it was simple — these are good, kind people. Why would I treat them any differently?

That’s exactly what unconditional love looks like.

I’ve been fortunate. Our Church community has also been very supportive. In all these years, not one person in our ward or stake has ever said anything negative. Many people have read Ben’s book. It’s brought conversations and awareness — all positive.

Recently, I even asked a school board candidate publicly about supporting LGBTQ students. He answered well, and though no one else said a word, I knew I was being an ally just by asking.

That’s powerful. Listening to and sharing stories really does change hearts.

Exactly. Listening is so important. At an event recently, a woman shared with me that her sister had died by suicide after being rejected for being gay. Because I stopped to ask, “What brings you here tonight?” — she opened up. I introduced her to Ben, and he gave her a copy of his book.

Sometimes just listening — just being present — is what changes everything.

That’s beautiful. I think that’s why these conversations matter so much — it’s about creating safe spaces to ask questions and to be heard.

Right. I learned in the Army that everyone was treated the same, but not seen as individuals — and I didn’t like that. Teaching high school taught me the opposite: every person is unique. No two are the same.

We shouldn’t force anyone into a box. We all serve and love differently. And I’ve learned that life is like a boomerang — what you put out comes back. If you put out kindness and compassion, that’s what returns.

That’s such a good metaphor — life as a boomerang.

It’s true. And I think that’s why we need to be humble enough to admit when we’ve been wrong.

When Ben told me he wanted to write his book, I told him not to bother — that it wouldn’t sell. I was wrong. His book has touched lives everywhere.

And he wrote something that really stuck with me: “If you’re tempted to give someone my book, don’t. Ask them to tell you their story instead.”

I told him, “Ben, you can’t say that — you want people to buy your book!”
But I get it now. Hearing others’ stories changes lives.

That’s so true. Vulnerability invites connection. And you’ve modeled that here today.

Well, thank you. Honestly, our family is better — more compassionate and more blessed — because Ben is gay. Our other children fully support him and us. We’re closer because of it.

I can’t comprehend how some parents kick their kids out for being gay. It’s unthinkable to me. We’re better off because of who Ben is.

That’s such an important message for parents to hear. There’s always another chance to love, to listen, and to open your heart.

Absolutely.

We can’t change others, but we can change ourselves. We can always choose to be kind, to listen, and to lead with good cheer.

No matter the circumstance, that’s what I try to do — be of good cheer. It makes life better for everyone around you.

That’s beautiful, Buzz. I can tell where Ben gets his warmth and optimism.

Don’t ask me to write a book, though — I’ll leave that to him!

Fair enough. Before we wrap up, a few fun quick-fire questions:

Favorite book?
— The Book of Mormon.

Introvert or extrovert?
— Extrovert, for sure.

Favorite artist?
— Taylor Swift — all the way, baby.

Night owl or morning lark?
— Morning lark.

Celebrity crush?
— Ursula Andress from The Blue Max. She was my crush in 1966 when I was at Fort Benning.

Still or carbonated water?
— Mostly water. Maybe a Coke once or twice a week. My wife always said, “If you’re gonna drink it, go all the way.”

Furthest place you’ve traveled?
— South Korea and Japan, back when I was in the Army. But honestly, Disneyland with Ben is more fun. He took me there for my 78th birthday.

That’s awesome. And where can people connect with you?

I’m on Facebook and Instagram. I’ve posted twenty-one short three-minute videos over the past year and a half. I’m getting a good response — though it’s probably just Ben’s friends watching!

I think you’re leading with light, Buzz. Thank you for being here, for your openness, and for your heart.

Well, Meagan, thank you for having me. This was my very first podcast appearance — and when we’re done, I’m celebrating with a full-sugar Coke.

You deserve it. Make it two!

Thank you again. Your words will bless so many.

My pleasure. Thank you, Meagan. Have a great day.