Episode 87: Spiritual Independence: it’s all more ok than you think it is with Jeanie Burton

Hey, everyone. Welcome to Beyond The Shadow of Doubt podcast. So glad you could join me today and take some time out of your schedule. I am so looking forward to sharing my guest and her story with all of you — Janie Burton, who is a fellow mama of a kiddo who identifies as LGBTQ+. I’m so thankful, Janie, to you for coming on today and being willing to share your story.

I want to give you as much time as possible, so I’m going to turn the mic over to you. Tell us a little about your background — your family, where you live, where you grew up, your faith of origin — whatever you feel comfortable sharing.

Born and bred in the LDS faith, my ancestors are pioneers. There was a time my great-great-grandmother fell away from the Church — she lost her mind and did some awful things to her family. For a while, my family line was disconnected from the Church. When my mom was around 13, she found it again.

My dad’s family — I’m not sure when they joined the Church, but I know my great-grandma came along and settled in Ogden with the Saints. So, I come from a long line of Mormons.

I was raised deeply in the faith by a mom who was never mentally well. She used the Church to control us — there was a lot of emotional and religious abuse. My mother was raised in a broken home, and I think she never had the tools to heal. Those cycles of “not okay” behavior are what I’m trying to heal now — through any means that I can.

Thank you for sharing that. That’s a really tender and personal detail.

I forget that we’re recording sometimes.

I’ll remind you.

My husband and I were both raised deeply in the LDS faith, believing this was the one and only way — black and white, no in-between. We have four kids — two girls and two boys. Two of our children are on the queer spectrum: our oldest son, who is gay, and our youngest, who came out as transgender.

When our youngest first came out, I thought he was just a tomboy. Our oldest daughter was the same way — tomboy all the way until she became interested in boys and wanted to shop for girls’ clothes. But when our youngest said he was “in the wrong body,” I didn’t know what to do.

Before that moment, I had never personally known anyone who was transgender. So I panicked. I sent him to stay with his older sister — the one who had been a tomboy — hoping she could talk him out of it. I told her to take him shopping for dresses.

A few days later, my daughter called me. She said, “Mom, this isn’t him. This isn’t who he is.”

She saw before I did.

That same day, she told me he had said, “Mom’s not okay with me. She said we’re not doing anything about this until I’m an adult.”

That broke me.

My daughter put me in touch with a woman I’d served with in Relief Society — she had a transgender child. I had once judged her for being “led astray,” but when I called her, she gently helped me understand. She didn’t shame me. She just talked to me like a mom who’d been there.

After we talked, I prayed. I wanted to tell my child, “God says you’re my daughter,” but the words wouldn’t come. It wasn’t true. Instead, I said, “Your Father in Heaven loves you.”

That was the first moment I started to understand.

That’s so powerful. Thank you for being willing to share that so candidly.

I later remembered something from before he was even born. I had struggled for years with infertility and prayed desperately for a fourth child. One day, during prayer, I felt his spirit say, “I don’t want to come. I’m scared.”

I promised him, “Whatever it is, I’ve got you.”

When I got pregnant and the ultrasound showed female anatomy, we named her Molly, because that’s what I thought I’d heard.

Years later, after he came out, I told him that story — and he said, “Mom, that’s it. I’m Ollie. I was saying I’m Ollie.”

I got chills. He’d known who he was from the beginning.

From that moment, I remembered my promise: “I’ve got you.”

We started researching. The Church leaders were kind but had no answers. My friend added me to the I’ll Walk With You Facebook group for parents of LGBTQ+ kids. That led me to podcasts and books — especially Richard Ostler’s Listen, Learn & Love — which helped me begin deconstructing.

It was painful — physically and emotionally painful — to unlearn and rebuild.

I came across a study about transgender youth in the LDS faith. The suicide rates were shockingly high. Reading that felt like someone handed me a death notice for my child. I cried for hours. My husband kept reading and found that parental acceptance dramatically lowers those risks.

That was the moment we decided: We are now supportive. That’s who we are.

At first, I thought, “We’ll probably have to leave the Church.” But then I felt peace. For now, I could stay.

Our ward in Central California embraced us. People were kind and loving. But when we later moved to a more conservative area, it was different. Leaders wanted to help but treated the Proclamation on the Family as doctrine, which tied their hands.

Ollie was allowed to attend Young Men’s activities and classes — the boys were great. But then came the issue of the temple recommend. They revoked it, and I couldn’t sit with that.

I prayed and felt compelled to challenge it. I told our bishop, “For everyone else, worthiness determines recommend status. My child is worthy.”

Eventually, after much back-and-forth with the stake president and area authority, they agreed he could go based on worthiness. But not before I was yelled at for asking questions.

I just want to pause there — thank you for saying that. That’s exactly why I started this podcast — to normalize questions, to take the shame out of doubt and curiosity.

Yes, the area authority even had to calm him down.

I think having questions is healthy. For me, my deconstruction came down to this: If I didn’t change, I could lose my child. That was the line.

And when I asked God directly how He felt about Ollie, all I felt was love. Pure, unconditional love.

At one point, I had a dream about my grandma who had passed away. I asked her what she’d tell herself at my age, now that she knew more. She said, “It’s all more okay than you think it is.”

That stuck with me. It’s not what we hear in church. But I knew she was right.

If it’s all “more okay,” the only thing that makes that possible is the Atonement — because it’s either infinite or it’s worthless.

That’s so true. Shame doesn’t bring us closer to God — love does.

Exactly. Shame and judgment have no place here.

When we realized that, everything changed. We knew Ollie wasn’t broken. God didn’t make a mistake. He created him intentionally.

So now, we just lead with love.

When people ask how to support LGBTQ+ loved ones, I tell them: Listen. Believe them. Love them.

You can’t fix it. You don’t have to understand it. Just listen.

Yes — listen and love. Always.

I love Elder Uchtdorf’s quote: “If we stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop pondering, we can thwart the revelations of the Spirit.”

That applies everywhere — faith, family, life.

Absolutely.

And when you think about it, what would Jesus do? He’d sit with the kid sitting alone in the corner. He’d love them exactly as they are.

I couldn’t agree more.

Janie, this conversation has been incredible. Your story, your heart, your faith — thank you so much for sharing all of it.

Before we close, I always ask my guests: What does it mean to you to live beyond the shadow of doubt?

Doubt is how we learn. It’s how we grow. It’s how we discover what we truly believe — not what others expect of us, but what’s true for us and for God.

That’s beautiful. There’s no growth without questioning.

Now, just a few quick get-to-know-you questions:

Favorite book?
Pride and Prejudice. I listen to it on Audible all the time — it calms me.

Introvert or extrovert?
I grew up an extrovert, but life pounded me into an introvert.

Morning lark or night owl?
Honestly? Neither. I like to go to bed late and sleep in.

Favorite artist?
Taylor Swift — she’s an ally, and her music brings my family together.

Still or carbonated water?
Carbonated! I call it “angry water.”

Furthest place you’ve traveled?
Hawaii — or maybe Mexico. I think Hawaii’s farther!

Thank you again, Janie. You’re a beautiful person, an incredible mom, and your story will touch many hearts.

If listeners want to connect with you:
You can find me on Facebook at Janie Wardell Burton — Wardell with two L’s, and Burton like the snowboard.