Inoke is a full time kidney healthcare worker, as well as a full time volleyball coach. While working with the LGBTQ Polynesian community, he is also focusing on educating the people of the Polynesian community about kidney disease: diabetes being a threat within that community. Inoke also works with local schools and organizations as a keynote speaker for the LGBTQ youth in meetings and conferences. He has participated in panel interviews that help in implementing change and equality for the LGBTQ community. His recent story of discrimination as a gay man caught the attention of major news outlets, magazines, podcasts, and shows, including the Ellen Degeneres Show which was one of his major appearances where he shared his story for the world to hear. Having his experiences of identifying as a Gay Christian be on display for the world to see, Inoke hopes that he can increase his platform in order to continue to become a better educated, more active and vocal advocate for the LGBTQ and Polynesian community.
Connect with Inoke on Instagram: @inoke.tonga
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And I remember one of my leaders who I just loved, I looked up to so much. You know, my dad was always busy with two jobs. He always worked two full time jobs. So this leader kind of helped with the upbringing of me and my brothers. And I remember we sat down and randomly started talking about, you know, gay men and he was just like, I just don’t get it.
I vividly remember this, you’re sitting at the table and he’s just like, you know, put all the gay men on one island. And they’re gonna be extinct. You know, they’re not meant to be together because they can’t procreate. And when he said that in my mind, I just remembered, you know, he’s right, like put me on an island so I need to get married, procreate be with the girl. If it was meant to be, then why is his statement true?
I remember always playing that even on my mission, I would play that memory in my mind and replay it and replay it and replay it again, especially because he had a lot of weight to his words because of how much I loved him. So, you know, these people in my life who are specifically ecclesiastic leaders in my faith, they played a huge role on why I was ashamed and why I was embarrassed to come out.
Oh, I am so sorry that that was taught to you. Yeah, you know, here’s the thing if people really wanted LGBTQ folks to be extinct, then you’d have to outlaw heterosexual marriage. Exactly. Relations. I mean, they are humans, they are people and God is going to continue to send them to our families. I believe they have so much to offer and to teach us and to give. Growing up in the LDS I never thought it was fair how the boys always got to do the fun.
Wow. I mean, I never understood why my brothers got to be a member of the Boy Scouts, but I wasn’t encouraged or it wasn’t really much of an option to be a part of the Girl Scouts.
For sure. Yeah. To your point, I remember one of my best friends at the time, he also grew up in his family, you know, a lot, a lot of his siblings are SIA he’s around my age. I think he’s the youngest in his family. And his mom is just, you know, just like you the epitome of unconditional love. And I remember the year 2017, I spent Christmas with him and his family down in western Southwest Colorado in Grand Junction.
And she had shared a story about him, you know, he left the church. She is very active so are her siblings but he, I remember she said, you know, my son is gay in my family because God wants to teach us what unconditional is. That’s always, you know what I, I am so blessed to just have memories of, you know, good and bad memories of things that people say in my life that just continue to help me remember my purpose and everything.
And since then, I learned to not be ashamed and I learned that shame is such a very valid, valid feeling, but it’s so useless. And I learned that because of what she said. And, you know, every time I have friends who struggle with coming out, my partner, right, my partner right now, you know, his family is still trying to come to terms with him coming out and being gay and in a gay relationship.
And that’s what plays in my mind. Now, at the end of the day, you’re here and we are all here because we have to teach the world unconditional love. And it, to me, it’s a proven fact that that’s true because we see so much division around the acceptance of the LGBT plus community.
You know, as you’re talking, I can just feel of your goodness and your heart and your soul. And, you know, in OK, when we met at that airport a year and a half ago, I didn’t know where you were at with your relationship with the church, but obviously you had been raised otherwise you wouldn’t have recognized the saying on it and you wouldn’t have known the story as I was sharing the background.
And I’ve often wondered since then, you know, why you approached me and asked about it because if you really didn’t want to have anything to do with the church, you could have flown under the radar. I wouldn’t, yes, I was following you on Instagram, but I wouldn’t have recognized you. And I had my kids with me and I had just been at the conference but we also had my mother-in-law was not well, and she ended up passing a few days after we returned to Dallas.
So like my mind was somewhere else really. But you didn’t and I don’t know if the thought occurred to me. So we’re sitting here talking because I remember how excited you were when I shared the story. And you’re like, yeah, I know that story. I’m LDS and it’s like, it’s your heritage. You still love people, you know, the culture, the teachings it brought you, it started you on your journey to getting to know God and you weren’t bitter or angry. I don’t think you would have stopped me. I don’t think you would have asked.
And so I’m pointing this out because I think our LGBTQ siblings get a bad rap. They get so misunderstood. They love the gospel of Jesus Christ. They want to stay. But for reasons that are as varied as innumerable, really, sometimes they have to take a break or step away.
A lot of times it’s just to save their own mental health, spiritual health, all of those things. So just thank you for being you. Thank you for being so open. And you know, you talked about, there are times you still feel shame even now, you know, you’ve only been out, not even six years. I mean, that’s 27 years of certain thought patterns really getting set in your mind and in your heart.
And so, yeah, it’s gonna take some time to unlearn those and then reteach yourself of your true worth and your true value and divinity. I wanted to shift a little bit to a different focus of your life and that is your focus as coach. You said how your part time job is that of a volleyball coach, both for high school boys and high school girls, right? Yeah.
And you had something really, we’ll just call it interesting. And it was somewhat, I don’t know in the public eye because you went on Ellen to share about it. I would love if you can share a little bit about what happened and how that affected you because it was actually, if I understand you were a coach at a private school that was a religious based school.