Episode 11. Cognitive Dissonance and the Gap

Hey here we are again!  My name is Meagan Skidmore, and this is the “Beyond the Shadow of Doubt” podcast. Welcome to episode 11, “Cognitive Dissonance and the Gap.”  My hope with this podcast is to bring the traditionally taboo topic of doubt and questioning out of the shadows of shame and into the sunlight.  I want to start by sharing I am a proud member of the Dialogue Podcast Network: DialogueJournal.com/podcastnetwork.  The Dialogue Podcast Network features shows by Latter-day Saints who wish to bring their faith into dialogue with the larger stream of world religious thought and with human experience as a whole and to foster artistic and scholarly achievement based on their cultural heritage.

As a Life transitions coach I work 1:1 w/ parents of lgtbq+ kiddos of a conservative faith background.  I also work with lgbtq+ teens.  I’m currently in the process of creating a group program specifically for mamas of lgbtq+ teens.  As part of this work I am conducting interviews apps 30” in length.  If you are willing to participate please send me an email or DM me on IG.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea of “the Gap”  that I talked about last week, and I want to expand on it for this week’s episode.

First let’s talk about bridges.

Bridges are essential in society/our lives. I cannot think of a major city in the US or even outside of the US that does not have a bridge of some kind.  Whether it’s an overpass on solid ground connecting one freeway to another, or perhaps stretching over a body of water connecting 2 land masses—bridges enable connection in a figurative and literal sense. They create a physical connection.

In coaching, when I work with clients, I teach them about “Bridge Thoughts”.  This is a tool that helps them start exactly where they are at in their thought processes —whether helpful, useful or NOT— and then progresses towards a way of thinking that will better serve them. 

So for example, if a client loves a thought or new way of looking at something and wants to live and act from that space, but doesn’t quite believe it yet, a bridge thought or thoughts help them get from their current place of belief to the desired one. We use The Model taught at the LCS to do this.  Hit me up for a free discovery call if you don’t know about The Model yet!

Examples of bridge thoughts could be

• I’m learning that

• I’m becoming a person who

• I’m open to believing that

• I’m considering

• I’m seeking evidence that

•Maybe

• It’s possible that

In a very real way Bridge Thoughts help us stretch from one place to another— symbolically from point A to point B in our brains and pave a way for us to connect — to ourselves, to others and to and with the world around us.

Another area bridges are useful is in reference to last week…The Gap.  If you recall the gap is defined in….Faith is not Blind by Bruce C. & Marie K. Hafen as

—Starting on Pg 8, “Our experience with real life often introduces a new dimension—a growing awareness of a gap between the real and the ideal, between what IS and what OUGHT to be.

Let’s call this distance between where we are and where we want to be “the gap.”

We’ve already established that a bridge creates or enables connection in a figurative and literal sense.  Connection of people, cultures, places, ideas, beliefs, theories, and so on. We’ll expand n that in a sec

I think it’s really important to not just consider that there’s A Gap but absolutely acknowledge that one exists.  Actually many exist depending on what subject you’re referring to….but for now we acknowledge that one exists.  By doing so we then acknowledge that there is in fact a need for a bridge of some kind.  It’s in the acknowledging that there’s something missing between point A and point B that we see the need for a bridge. And because point A and B are both very important and so valuable to us, it’s not just worth our time to build a bridge to connect them— it’s absolutely essential.

And here’s why….

Cognitive Dissonance.

CD not only contributes to the existence of the Gap but I believe the longer it remains it WIDENS the Gap.

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the perception of contradictory information, and the mental toll of it. Relevant items of information include a person’s actions, feelings, ideas, beliefs, values, and things in the environment.

Egs: cognitive dissonance: You want to be healthy, but you don’t exercise regularly or eat a nutritious diet. You feel guilty as a result. OR You know that smoking (or drinking too much) is harmful to your health, but you do it anyway. The magnitude of the dissonance will be higher in people who highly value their health.

Or how about this, you pull up to a traffic signal and stop because the light is red.  You see an individual holding up a sign asking for money or food or other help.  You have been taught to give to the poor, to not judge, to share w/ others who have less than you.  However the seconds tick away and you “talk yourself out” of lowering the window telling yourself “I only have a few quarters that’s not much anyway” or “The light’s going to turn green any minute” or “The driver behind me has a nicer vehicle—they should give” or even “I see this guy here every week—it’s someone else’s turn.”  There could be any number of things we tell ourselves to try to make it okay to drive on through because underneath it all —we feel a tug, a pull, perhaps it’s guilt, perhaps it’s our conscience or inner voice.  This is cognitive dissonance.  Our thoughts and actions contradict the need or reality of the situation. Remember —thoughts are another word for beliefs.  Beliefs are thoughts we have thought over and over and over again.  See episode #3 titled “The Anatomy of a Belief.”  So the CD comes in because our beliefs (I need to share what I have, give to the poor, not judge) contradict our actions — we did not roll the window down and we drove on by. 

The relationship of Cognitive Dissonance to questions and doubts.  CD grew for me when I realized it didn’t make sense or feel “right” that people I care about very deeply in the LGBTQ+ community were not eligible to participate in certain religious observances, practices and other things without living in a way that is/was incongruent or dishonest or disingenuine to how they were created, to what they feel inside and how they know and feel to their core that God created them.

In the same way I would feel dishonest if I were to “live a lie” or live in a way that was disingenuine to me – I couldn’t wrap my brain around how it could be okay to require that of others?  I really could not understand it.

There is an upside to CD.

According to Leon Festinger, “Cognitive dissonance leads to the motivation to reduce the dissonance (Festinger, 1957). The stronger the discrepancy between thoughts, the greater the motivation to reduce it (Festinger, 1957).”

So that is what I decided I needed to do—educate myself and acquaint myself with firsthand experiences, stories, people’s lives through podcasts, books, support groups, social media accounts, talking to actual human beings who experience this first hand and so on.  Because beliefs can be very ingrained, it takes deliberate action and sincere study, pondering, research, educating oneself with an open mind and heart.

Finally I’ll leave you with 4 ways to address cognitive dissonance:

1-Mindfulness: We can raise our awareness through mindfulness practice. This includes refraining from judgment and instead being accepting of our observations.

2-Challenge Current beliefs: Understanding your beliefs and values behind the inconsistencies is an opportunity to develop deeper self-knowledge.

Sometimes, it’s helpful to challenge our current beliefs. This can be a difficult and uncomfortable process and involves getting additional information.

3-consider the importance of dissonant thoughts: Sometimes the dissonant information appears to be important at first sight but can be diminished upon deeper reflection.

A good example is the prospect of embarrassing ourselves in front of others, such as by forgetting our words during a speech. However, after further thought, we may decide that it does not matter what others think of us and can thus reduce the dissonance.

And lastly,

4-justifying behavior: We may perceive dissonance when we engage in a new behavior (e.g., when we decline an invitation to an event we usually attend in order to protect our leisure time). While this can feel uncomfortable at first, it’s helpful to reflect on the reasons behind our behavior. 

There is other helpful info shared in this article from Pos Psychology “Cognitive Dissonance: Theory, Examples and How to Reduce it”.  I’ll drop the link in the show notes.

That is all I have for today.

If you would like to learn more about The Model or discuss anything else further —let’s chat.  Your first visit with me is complementary.  Schedule it on my website https://meaganskidmorecoaching.com.  There you can also connect with me on socials, take my change resiliency quiz and Subscribe to get my free LGBTQ+ Resource Guide for families. 

Thank you so much for your time in joining me today.  If what you hear on my podcast resonates with you, please leave me a review/rating on Apple Podcasts!  Until next time!