Episode 10. The Gap

My name is Meagan Skidmore, and this is the “Beyond the Shadow of Doubt” podcast. Thank you for joining me here as I attempt to bring the traditionally somewhat taboo topic of doubt and questioning out of the shadows of shame and into the sunlight.

As a Life transitions coach I work 1:1 w/ parents of lgtbq+ kiddos of a conservative faith background.  I also work with lgbtq+ teens.  I’m currently in the process of creating a group program specifically for mamas of lgbtq+ teens.  As part of this work I am conducting interviews apps 30” in length.  If you are willing to participate please send me an email or DM me on IG. 

Welcome to episode 10, “The Gap.”

Let me start by saying, how much I honor anyone who is on a faith journey that has taken a pivot.  It is a misunderstood space at times and I think you get misjudged.  In my experience, THIS IS SACRED GROUND.  This is hallowed space.  And although at times it has been difficult—painfully difficult—I can truthfully say I am grateful for the personal growth I have and continue to experience. I can see God’s wisdom in allowing this in my life as there are things I could not have learned otherwise.  Perhaps you have found the same to be true in your experience.

When the tenets of one’s faith and the realities of your LIVED experience, your firsthand experience—are in stark contrast the cognitive dissonance is overwhelming.  It can be paralyzing.  There have been times that it has been so for me.  If that is you—I feel you, I see you, I get you.

When I say “one’s faith” let me elaborate a little.  I’m not just talking about one’s religion and the beliefs they have been taught and internalize, but often this is one’s heritage, “people” or community of belonging.  This is often the foundation of how you identify as a person of faith, these are the lenses through which you view your world.  The fear of possibly no longer “belonging” is real.  As humans, we are communal in nature.  We not only need it but we thrive on connection. 

One of the reasons it has not set well with me that a group of people are not allowed to have a life long partner is that I know connection is key to our survival.  Literally not just figuratively.  I have suffered from depression since my teens.  One of the greatest antidotes to depression is human connection.  Love, acceptance, belonging, having your people or person.  Lifelong solo-ness is an enormous ask in my humble opinion.  The thought evokes more than discomfort; it evokes a sadness difficult to describe.  I could not do it.  I don’t know how anyone can.

I have felt this way even before learning I was a mama of an LGBTQ+ kiddo.  There I said it.  It is something I have long felt.  I honestly didn’t set out to talk about this on today’s podcast, but there it is.  I have said before, I’ll say it again.  I make this, meaning whatever I share, a matter of prayer and thoughtfulness. 

A few years ago, when first starting out on this pivot in my faith journey or expansion as I like to refer to it now, I remember feeling called to be an advocate.  I remember feeling this pull to use my privilege as a white cis-gender female to speak up, to be a voice for the marginalized. 

I think in large part it was because I realized the viewpoints I’d had of LGBTQ+ folks up to that point in my life were grossly incorrect.

I want to share an excerpt w/ you from Faith is not Blind by Bruce C. & Marie K. Hafen that explains this phenomenon really well.

Starting on Pg 8, Our experience with real life often introduces a new dimension—a growing awareness of a gap between the real and the ideal, between what IS and what OUTGHT to be.

Let’s call this distance between where we are and where we want to be “the gap.”

Still reading from FINB: We first see the gap when we realize that some things about ourselves or about other people are not what we thought they were.  For eg, …at a church univ one might expect to be warm and homey, a brand new student can feel lost and intimidated.  Or maybe they brush up against a faculty member [or fellow students] whose attitudes are [different] than expected.

Paraphrase, page 9:

We may begin to see human limitations of those who have previously been our heroes, ie. parents, church leaders, teachers, etc. Or perhaps a mission doesn’t turn out quite as one had anticipated, or maybe we suffer a surprise setback with health or come across information that raises questions we don’t know how to answer.

—such experiences can produce  an unsettling sense of uncertainty…

….”we may begin to ask questions that haven’t occurred to us before”

“….as we grow and increase in our awareness, most do run into uncertainty and opposition.”

I have learned how leaning into the uncertainty and the unknown can be a blessing.  It’s mentally healthy.  By leaning into uncertainty in essence I am turning the things I don’t know back over to the Divine.  It is the ultimate walk of faith.  It requires a deeper level of trust, much more than I thought I had to begin with.  That is what this journey has really taught me—how much I really don’t know, and that I can be okay with that reality.  It actually can be very exciting to ponder on the possibilities.  The use of the word AND has become commonplace in my vocabulary.  And is opening an invitation to further light and knowledge, or receipt of Divine wisdom.  I believe that this what starts to fill in what  may be missing in “the gap” mentioned earlier.

For instance I know I can say “I know our Heavenly Parents love all their children unconditionally AND have a plan for them.  Or “Our Heavenly Parents created them perfectly, uniquely no mistakes AND there is purpose in that.”  And gives way to thoughtful useful questions “what if what we perceive as a ‘mistake’ is actually a gift? Or what if I (we) don’t have the full vision or understanding of what God’s purpose is?”  It’s interesting to consider questions such as these because they can bring up some ambiguity.

Back to the Hafens, they say “Consider “ambiguity” for a moment.  Even the scriptures contain some….eg story of nephi directed to slay Laban in order to obtain critically important scriptural record,

PG 10

Savior said “do not your alms before men, to be seen of them (Matt 6:1) and He also said “let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works (Matt 5:16.  Another eg. Lord has said he can’t look upon sin w/ least degree of allowance (D&C 1:31) yet elsewhere he said, “neither do I condemn thee; go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

Justice is a divine law as is mercy—they are reconciled by higher doctrine of Savior’s atonement.

Life is full of ambiguity; learning to manage the gap between the ideal and the real is one purpose of the mortal plan.

The Hafen’s then go on to discuss a 3-stage model of the stages of FAITH to help deal with uncertainty. I look forward to diving into those in a future episode. 

If you are struggling with uncertainty or resisting the unknown in your life, let’s chat.  Your first session is complementary -no strings attached.  Find me at my website https://meaganskidmorecoaching.com, which is also where you can schedule a consult and also connect with me on social, email me or access my free Resource Guide for LGBTQ+ families of conservative faith.  This is 20+ pages of interactive resources that I have found and/or used along my own journey.  Scroll midway down on my website to find it. 

I am happy to share that I am a member of the Dialogue Podcast Network: DialogueJournal.com/podcastnetwork.  The Dialogue Podcast Network features shows by Latter-day Saints who wish to bring their faith into dialogue with the larger stream of world religious thought and with human experience as a whole and to foster artistic and scholarly achievement based on their cultural heritage.

Thank you for taking time to join me today.  If you resonate with what you hear, please leave me a review/rating on Apple Podcasts!

Until next time, God bless.

SUMMARY:

When the tenets of one’s faith and the realities of your LIVED experience, your firsthand experience—are in stark contrast the cognitive dissonance is overwhelming. It can be paralyzing. There have been times that it has been so for me. If that is you—I feel you, I see you, I get you. 

According to the Hafen’s in Faith is Not Blind, “Our experience with real life often introduces a new dimension—a growing awareness of a gap between the real and the ideal, between what IS and what OUTGHT to be.  Let’s call this distance between where we are and where we want to be ‘the gap.’  —such experiences can produce an unsettling sense of uncertainty…”

Listen to today’s episde as I share that I have learned how leaning into the uncertainty and the unknown can be a blessing. It’s actually much more mentally healthy than ignoring, resisting, or avoiding it.

I’m currently in the process of creating a group program specifically for mamas of LGBTQ+ kiddos. As part of this work I am conducting interviews appx. 30” in length. If you are willing to participate please send me an email (my.sentiments.exactly@gmail.com) or send me a DM on IG.