Episode 5. “Crash Theory”

My name is Meagan Skidmore, and this is episode 5 of the “Beyond the Shadow of Doubt” podcast. My goal is to bring the traditionally somewhat taboo topic of doubt and questioning out of the shadows of shame and into the sunlight.

I am a Life transitions coach certified through the life coach school & I work w/ parents of lgtbq+ kiddos of a conservative faith background. (and as of late, sometimes their teens).

We learned about DENIAL last week and how well that works out……I wanted to expand on that a little bit more by sharing with you a pivotal moment in my journey when I heard BTBLDS w/ Derek and James podcast episode called “crash and learn”

(11/23/2020 episode #https://beyondtheblockpodcast.com/episodes/crash-and-learn-ether-1215-s1!f9e05)

It really impacted because it felt like what I was going through at the time….

CRASH THEORY by Rabbi Benay Lappe:

YouTube.com/watch?v=WTdeIFK7VSc

Kids don’t try to avoid or deny difficult moments of life like we do; not as attached to their old stories and not as averse to revising them.

Called CRASH THEORY and she starts with

Hypothesis: all human beings share the same basic BIG questions of life:

Why am I alive?

Who am I?  Who are you?

Does the soul survive death, what happens after we die?

How did we get here?

How should I life my life?

Where do I belong?

No matter race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender expression, every single one of us shares those same “big” questions of life.

Every culture, religion, tradition, come to into being for one and only one reason to answer those basic questions.

It does so by means of a master story.  As long as your master story is working for you, you aren’t even aware that you have questions.

But every story will ultimately and inevitably crash.

[an event occurs, making your MS no longer work;

or you’ll find another story some of whose answers you like better than your own, or something inside of you has shifted, you’ve changed.]

Now you know you have questions and you’ve got to figure out who you are, what you believe and how you’re gonna live your life.

For Rabbi B. L.

{I was raised of jewish tradition; by age 14 I suspected I was gay.  I knew that they put people in jail for that.  Crash.}

For me, personally…..I was raised LDS (Mormon) and have several family members one of whom is my kiddo identify as lgbtq+.  I know there is limited opportunity for progression and living true to ones identity in the LDS religion.  Crash.

Continuing w/ Rabbi

There are 3 and only 3 possible responses to any crash: each one has upsides/downsides

1- Deny the crash, revert to master story and hide there, make sure any threatening info stays out (upside: get to keep your master story, perks of being accepted and approved of; downside: denial)

2- Go the opposite direction: accept crash, figure if part of master story doesn’t work the whole thing is a crock, you reject master story, jump off into a new story.

Remember you’re always in some story; question is which one will you be in.  (Upside to opt 2: you no longer have to deal with your master story that doesn’t quite fit, you get to love your new story; downside: baby w/ bathwater story, have to get rid of all the stuff that did work, that was true). Remember every story will ultimately and inevitably crash even this one

Opts 1 & 2 opposite sides of the same coin, share same underlying wrong-headed premise, the myth that stories are fixed, eternal, unchanging.

NOTE MOST people go opt 1 or 2 after a crash

3- you don’t deny crash, don’t reject MS; use crash to understand your MS—to figure out what works, doesn’t work—and retell that story, traditionally radical move.

How do you deal?

When you feel/see a crash coming on…..slow down, breathe, relax.  Figure out exactly what MS is crashing for you, then embrace the crash, own the truth, take it with you.  Go back to basic human questions, ultimate goal, answer those questions….go back to MS, really examine it, understand it, figure out what works/doesn’t work—take what works, leave behind what doesn’t — retell your story and live that one.  (I add, when it comes to what doesn’t work, I seek —sought out personal revelation.  That is what helps me move forward)

opt 3 is not only how you become an authentic person, it opens up new possible stories for others.  That’s how you change the world.

Opt 3 doesn’t have the b/w clarity of 1 and 2; it’s messy and complex like we are.  And you never know if you’re getting it right.  It’s where you become who you really are and figure out what you’re going to do w/ the story you were given.

Remember DARWIN: said nature compiles every living thing, everyday to make one of 3 chiocies: adapt, (3) migrate (2), die (1)

Crashes happen and compell us every single day to make one of 3 choices: A, M,D

What might it look like to go option 3?  Give it a try…..

I will leave a link in the show notes for you to reference this podcast.

I realize that this may or may not resonate with you.  And that is ok.  It actually may make some of you uncomfortable.  Also ok.

I invite you to get curious… Why are you feeling uncomfortable? What part specifically is making you uncomfortable?   Have you felt this way before?

Ask yourself is it possible there is growth beyond this discomfort?

Rabbi Beney Lappi went on to share:

Jewish legend: every blade of grass has an angel that bends over it, knocks it on the head and whispers “Grow”.  Every crash is an angel that bends over you and whispers to you “grow”

This Ted Talk very much resonated with me – it was what I was dealing with at the time bec my MS was being called into question

So that left me with the 3 options….

Was I to choose

1…..deny,

2……go opposite direction or

choose option #3…don’t deny or don’t go the other way….but try to make it my own

That is in fact what I chose and continue to choose to do—I am creating my customized experience.

If I had denied the fact that I was experiencing cognitive dissonance I would have created more problems for myself (review last weeks episode if you’re unfamiliar) and I would have denied myself the opportunity to create my results on purpose,

In other words to choose what I wanted to think, feel, act and then ultimately create when it came to my circumstances.

Coaching has very much been a godsend and a lifeline in my journey.

Because of coaching I took the opportunity to choose my faith journey….it’s closely mirrors what New York Times columnist David Brooks has referred to as one of those who “are within the organization, but they’re not subsumed by group think.  They work at the boundaries, bridges and entranceways.”  He calls them those who are “at the edge of the inside”….

from Why I Stay, editors intro pg ix (https://www.amazon.com/Why-Stay-Challenges-Discipleship-Contemporary/dp/1560852917)

Idk about your corner of the world, but post covid….my congregation is a little slimmer.  Yours may or may not be.  For sure everyone on this planet was touched by the pandemic in some way or another—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

It’s no secret that there are quite a few “hot button” topics that have bubbled to the surface the past several years that have the potential to divide more than unite.

I invite you no matter if you find yourself inside a church building, chapel, synagogue, or outside….that you allow anyone and everyone to be wherever they are at in their journey.

Allow the questions.

Allow the doubts.

Allow open discussions.

Allow the mutual sharing of lived experience.

Listen, listen and listen some more.

As a matter of fact, listen way more than you speak.

You might think you have all the answers, but I assure you that you do not.  Even if by some miracle you do have the answers…..all a person really wants is to be SEEN, HEARD and LOVED.  They will not care what you have to say unless they feel loved.

If you remember nothing else from today’s episode, remember just LOVE.  Period.  Just love. If you can think of someone who would benefit from this message please forward it along.  If you enjoyed todays message, please leave a rating and review. To schedule your first coaching session go to my website https://meaganskidmorecoaching.com.  See you next time.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Song “Happy” at concert; happy

mental health

actually healthier to have doubts

certainty sets up for difficulty

suicide awareness

MHFirst Aid uses the ALGEE method

Asses for risk of suicide or harm (including APPROACH, assess for risk of suicidality/potential for harm and assist

Listen nonjudgmentally

Give reassurance and info

Encourage appropriate professional help

Encourage self-help and other support strategies

Dan—be grateful for everyday be present be grateful for all we have

MHA:

Depression at risk # 1-800-273-TALK

Depression Screening

screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools/depression/#gf_1

CRASH THEORY Rabbi Benay Lappe:

YouTube.com/watch?v=WTdeIFK7VSc

Kids don’t try to avoid or deny difficult moments of life like we do; not as attached to their old stories and not as averse to revising them.

Shares simple algorithm about stories that explains why it is that some of us live fulfilled, authentic even extraordinary lives, and while some of us look back and realize we’ve lived someone else’s life.

Called CRASH THEORY

Hypothesis: all human beings share the same basic BIG questions of life:

Why am I alive?

Who am I?  Who are you?

Does the soul survive death, what happens after we die?

How did we get here?

How should I life my life?

Where do I belong?

No matter race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender expression, every single one of us shares those same “big” questions of life.

Every culture, religion, tradition, come to into being for one and only one reason to answer those basic questions.

It does so by means of a master story.  As long as your master story is working for you, you aren’t even aware that you have questions.

But every story will ultimately and inevitably crash. [an event occurs, making your MS no longer work; or you’ll find another story some of whose answers you like better than your own, or something inside of you has shifted, you’ve changed.]

Now you know you have questions and you’ve got to figure out who you are, what you believe and how you’re gonna live your life.

I was raised of jewish tradition; by age 14 I suspected I was gay.  I knew that they put people in jail for that.  Crash.

There are 3 and only 3 possible responses to any crash: each one has upsides/downsides

1- Deny the crash, revert to master story and hide there, make sure any threatening info stays out (upside: get to keep your master story, perks of being accepted and approved of; downside: denial)

2- Go the opposite direction: accept crash, figure if part of master story doesn’t work the whole thing is a crock, you reject master story, jump off into a new story.

Remember you’re always in some story; question is which one will you be in.  (Upside to opt 2: you no longer have to deal with your master story that doesn’t quite fit, you get to love your new story; downside: baby w/ bathwater story, have to get rid of all the stuff that did work, that was true). Remember every story will ultimately and inevitably crash even this one

Opts 1 & 2 opposite sides of the same coin, share same underlying wrong-headed premise, the myth that stories are fixed, eternal, unchanging.

MOST people go opt 1 or 2 after a crash

3- you don’t deny crash, don’t reject MS; use crash to understand your MS—to figure out what works, doesn’t work—and retell that story, traditionally radical move.

How do you do?

When you feel/see a crash coming on…..slow down, breathe, relax.  Figure out exactly what MS is crashing for you, then embrace the crash, own the truth, take it with you.  Go back to basic human questions, ultimate goal, answer those questions….go back to MS, really examine it, understand it, figure out what works/doesn’t work—take what works, leave behind what doesn’t — retell your story and live that one.  opt 3 is not only how you become an authentic person and it opens up new possible stories for others.  That’s how you change the world.

Opt 3 doesn’t have the b/w clarity of 1 and 2; it’s messy and complex like we are.  And you never know if you’re getting it right.  It’s where you become who you really are and figure out what you’re going to do w/ the story you were given.

Remember DARWIN: said nature compiles every living thing, everyday to make one of 3 chiocies: adapt, (3) migrate (2), die (1)

Crashes happen and compell us every single day to make one of 3 choices: A, M,D

What might it look like to go option 3?  Give it a try…..